She fights sleep. Always has. I'm afraid she always will.
Sometimes I can't wait for naptime.
For some time to get things I need to get done. Some time to get things I want to get done.
As I rock my tired baby, I sit and contemplate these things.
While she fights.
I sometimes beg her out loud to give in. "Sleep, baby girl. You are exhausted. You'll be much happier after a good, long nap. And Mama can get some things done. A win, win."
She eventually gives in. At least she usually does.
And she is still.
And I sit there watching her, and think about the dishwasher that needs emptying.
And refilling.
The floors that need mopping.
And the toilets that need scrubbing.
I think about the list of thank-you notes I still have to write.
And the stack of medical bills I need to pay.
I watch her chest rise and fall.
And listen to the sound of each breath.
I remember the calls I have to return.
The laundry thats piled high.
And the dinner I promised to make.
I kiss her head.
I run my hand across her cheek.
Then I lay down beside her and breathe in her scent..
I hear you moving. The quietest sound coming from your bassinet wakes me up. I love having you next to me. A quick peak tells me you're fine, just stirring. Your tiny feet have broken free of your swaddle. I fall back asleep. Next it's a quiet talk, low and guttural. I check the clock, 1:45 AM. Too early. I pop your binky in and close my eyes. Three more times I put your binky back in and attempt sleep.
Now, the chomping. You sound like a dinosaur going at your hand, quite literally saying 'nom, nom, nom' while you chew, suck, slobber. I check the clock. 2:15. I slowly pull myself to a sitting position, reach over the walls of your bassinet where, when we make eye contact, I'm greeted with a sleepy grin. I pull you to me, breathe in the smell of your head, your check, the crook of your neck. This makes it all worth it. The smell and the warmth and the weight of you makes any hour a decent one.
You nurse as we both drift off. I somehow manage to burp you, change sides, burp again and re-swaddle. I kiss your head for the one millionth time, and lay you back in your bassinet. You don't make so much as a peep.
In three hours we'll do it all over again.
Some nights, as I lay there, exhausted and falling asleep, I wonder how I'll do it. I'm so tired that I'm afraid I wont be able or even want to wake up to feed you. But it never happens. Even though its hard to sit up to feed, even though I barely sty awake while you eat, it never frustrates me. I'm never angry and I don't even wish you were still asleep.
Because I know.
I know it wont be much longer that you'll be sleeping beside me. It wont be much longer that we'll get to cuddle, in the darkness of the dead of night. I know it wont be much longer until you don't fit so perfectly against my naked chest, 'til you're sleeping through the night, no longer breastfeeding.
The second time you wake to eat, I don't put you back in your bassinet. Instead, I hold you nestled in my arm, pressed against my chest while we both sleep for a couple more hours. This started out of necessity for sleep on my part, since you would rarely go back to sleep a second time unless you were held, cuddled up against me. Now I'm not sure if it's more for me or for you.
Our nights aren't full of the best sleep. They're short and choppy, sometimes downright restless. But they're our nights and I wouldn't change them for a thing.
**Sorry about the dark and blurry pictures. They were taken at night/early morning, and as you can imagine, its pretty dark. I lightened them a bit in Photoshop so you can at least see them a bit :)**
Dear Reagan,
Two months old! Can you believe it? It's funny how when we were two months away from your due date, it felt as though it might as well be eternity. Now, though, as we sit two months after you arrived it feels as though it has only been seconds. Every day you move further and further away from the newborn stage and closer and closer to being a regular old, bonefide baby! I know it's entirely cliche', but I truly love you more and more each day. It's weird how it works. I feel entirely consumed with love for you, bursting at the seams and gritting my teeth in a lame attempt to contain the feeling I get by just looking at you, yet some how the next day I love you even more. I certainly haven't tired of you. We're together literally every second of every day (save for (some) bathroom breaks and me leaving you with Grandma while your Auntie Jilly and I fanned the flame of our silly Twilight addiction and ran off to see Eclipse...) and I still can't get enough of you.
This last month was a big one! You got to meet almost everyone on daddy's side of the family after taking a SUPER long road trip (around 20 hours each way) down to Galt and Concord, California in your fifth week of life. You did amazingly well and complained far less than your father and I. We only had four days, but everyone just soaked up your sweet baby lovin'.
You and I then left daddy for a whole week (which he was very sad about) so we could celebrate Aunt Jillian graduating high school. While on the west side of the state you met TONS more people who love and care about you, too! You are one VERY loved little girl!
Your schedule really hasn't changed much. You still nurse every two hours throughout the day, and sleep for four to five hours during the night. Your schedule isn't so much of a time thing, though, as it is a pattern; you eat, you play, you sleep. Eat, play, sleep. Wash, rinse, repeat. Because of this you are pretty darn predictable, and it's easy to keep you happy so long as you're full and you've had a good nap. A nice, long nap is the difference between my sweet baby Reagan and Reagan rage. Don't feel bad, though. You're mommy is a monster, too, when I don't get enough sleep. :)
The discovery of the swing has helped you and I both. You haven't cared much for the swing until these last few weeks. It is a wonderful place for a nap because I am able to get a few things done and you are able to sleep better, thus longer, while it keeps a'swingin'. Even if a loud noise wakes you up, it usually lulls you back to sleep. You still almost always have to be rocked to sleep in my arms, but more and more often you're able to drift off by yourself in the swing. Progress!
You are still absolutely in love with your play mat, where you spend about 20 minutes a few times a day after you eat. You're still in awe of the hanging, striped elephant, but the goofy looking monkey is coming in at a close second. You have started reaching for both, and it is quite funny to watch because you still have very little coordination. But practice makes perfect and practice you do! More so than either plush animal, however, you love looking at that adorable baby in the mirror that hangs above you. Laying and smiling and cooing at yourself in that mirror keeps your attention longer than anything but eating. I can't get enough of watching you smile and talk to yourself. It is the sweetest thing known to man.
Somehow even sweeter, though, than you smiling and cooing to yourself? You smiling and cooing to your Mama. I melt into a pile of mush right onto the floor every time you smile at me. And you are quite the smiler. When you're happy, you are happy. Nothing isn't funny enough to receive a giant, toothless grin. When you really get to smilin', you start making these guttural sounds with your open mouthed grins that is clearly the beginning stages of laughing. And then I die a million deaths. And just to up the ante, in the last few days you have started reaching for my face. And you might as well be saying 'I love you Mommy' by the look on your face and your hand touching mine and then I just lose it and die all over again. This being a mommy thing sure is something else.
Smiles and all, you have become a better communicator. Either that or we have become better translators. It is pretty easy for us to figure out what you want, especially since you are really only fussy whenever you need or want something. If your butt's dry, you belly full and you aren't too hot or tired (you HATE being hot, and fight sleep with the best of 'em) you are a smiling, cooing, happy camper; emphasis on the cooing! You have inherited your mother's ability to talk; and talk, and talk and talk. You absolutely love holding conversations and really get a thrill out of it when we repeat back to you what you said.
We have produced quite the mommy's girl. Don't get me wrong; you LOVE your daddy. He can calm you down in seconds when you're upset and you're pretty convinced he's one of the funnier things in life. But when you're really sad, when your belly hurts or the hiccups annoy you, nothing but mommy does the trick. Nothing is wrong in the world when you settle down and snuggle into my neck. My heart can hardly take it.
You are growing in leaps and bounds. At six and a half weeks, you weighed in at 9 pounds 4.5 ounces and 23 inches long. At seven and a half weeks, exactly seven days later, you weighed in at a whopping 10 pounds even ad 24 inches long. You gained almost 12 ounces and a whole inch in a mere seven days! You are hovering just above the 25th percentile for weight and are sitting pretty in the 80th percentile for height. Our tall, skinny girl!
And what about me? I with all honesty can say I am throughly enjoying my wonderful, underpaid yet over rewarded, new job. I want nothing more than to snuggle, play, and feed you throughout the day. I can't imagine not being with you every minute and feel so incredibly blessed and loved that Rob is able and willing to singularly provide for our family so you and I can hang out all day long. We're a couple of pretty lucky girls to have such an incredible daddy and husband.
I still can't believe I get to be your mommy. Forever. Nothing can ever change that. Ever. You have completely stolen my heart.
I sure love you baby girl. Happy two months!
Love,
Your Mommy
PS- Your ever lovin' bum is finally big enough for your tree huggin' mama to put cloth diapers on! Wahoo!
Your Favorite Things:
1.) Your Play Mat. You absolutely love just hanging out on your back on your play mat.
2.) Mirrors. I realize you have no idea it's you you're looking at, but you absolutely LOVE staring at mirrors; on your play mat and in the car you constantly stare at the mirror.
3.) Moving. You LOVE when Daddy flies you like an airplane (and your doctor says its good for your neck!) and if you're fussy a good bouncing on the lap can usually calm you down.
4.) Football hold. Daddy has perfected it, and rarely does it not work. He holds you like a football with your face towards the floor and his arm across your belly and you sit happy, content, and usually drooling.
5.) Music. We go deaf in the car, not because of your screaming, but because you like the music to be on and loud. When I sing to you while changing your diaper you almost always smile and coo back at me.
6.) Sitting. You LOVE sitting up. One of your favorite positions currently is propped up against the couch cushions so you're sitting like a big girl! (Like in the diaper picture, above.)
7.) Books. It's kind of weird how attentive you are to books. You love to sit and analyze the pictures, but your favorite one BY FAR is your black and white book from Aunt Lindsay. You will sit and stare at that for minutes on end, cooing and smiling at the pictures. You absolutely love it!
"Quiet down cobwebs, dust go to sleep. I'm rocking my baby and babies don't keep."
-Author Unknown
My baby is growing up. And it absolutely terrifies/devastates/breaks my heart that I don't have every single second documented. That the picture with her sitting next to the stuffed owl that I was going to take daily turned into weekly turned into monthly turned into "woops I forgot the first month so five weeks old will have to do." The 'Line a Day' journal is missing 40 days worth of lines. This blog I planned to update at least once a week? Yeah, you can tell how that panned out.
I haven't failed. I just didn't know.
I didn't know how entirely consumed I'd be with her. That each time she smiles and coos at me that I can't take my eyes off of her long enough to grab the camera or video camera. (Thank goodness for cell phone cameras!) That if setting her down and propping her up next to a stuffed owl makes her cry that I would rather just hold her and snuggle her to my chest instead. That writing anything is nearly impossible with the maybe one free hand I have at any given moment. Even now, I type this one-handed while my other holds the weight of my sleeping babe sprawled across my chest.
Our swing sits, empty and neglected, against the far wall. Her crib is filled with clean laundry I have yet to fold and put away. We have all these gadgets and gizmos to set her in and on, and yet I would so much rather just hold her. I have a hard time convincing myself to put her down when being in my arms is what she wants most, too. And please don't bother telling me I'm spoiling her; she gets plenty of back and belly time. And besides- it isn't much longer that she'll fit this perfectly in my arms. Or be this content to be there.
So our house is pretty messy. I tend to be able to get the dishes done daily and thats about it. Rob, the amazing man/dad/husband he is, has voluntarily taken over laundry. (Out of fear of not having clean clothes? Perhaps...) I can barely count the number of dust balls I can see from my current position on one hand, and I can't tell you the last time I mopped the bathroom floors. The dining room table is random stuff central, and the fish can hardly be seen in his tank.I have not even made a home cooked meal since Reagan came home. We're going on seven weeks here, folks. We had a lot of freezer meals from friends and family, invitations to dinner at friends' houses, and we've, ahem, eaten out a bit. Okay, a lot. Fine; probably a few times a week. But look at it on the bright side; at least Reagan's getting a head start on restaurant manners! :) My best piece of advice to new parents? Get a comfortable couch. You're going to be sitting and doing a whole lot of the best kind of nothing. :)
So while I hate the fact that I'm not going to have every second of her life pictured and recorded for years to come, I find comfort in the fact that I'm experiencing it. That I'm living in the moment and that each smile isn't rushed with having to find the camera. That I'm not missing a conversation between Reagan and a hanging, striped elephant while I fiddle around with the video camera. It's taken me awhile to get to this point, but it is so much nicer not worrying about recording every moment in time. I figure I'll just pray for a good memory and continue to enjoy this amazing little miracle in the here and now.
**This isn't to say I'm not going to take pictures and videos. I'm just trying to not make it my main focus.
**Pictures don't do her justice, anyways.
**Note- I have postponed posting this post (holy batman that's a lot of 'posts') until I uploaded pictures off of our camera and cell phones from the last FIVE WEEKS so I could decorate it with pictures of our sweet baby's face, so you can sit and stare at her for hours too. :)**
