It is hard to believe that a year has come and gone and I've had the privilege to be called his wife the entire time.
It is hard to believe that in that same one year, we have changed as individuals and we have changed as one. That we have loved and forgiven. That we have lost and found. That we have bought and sold. That we have moved and stayed put.
It is hard to believe that I have actually thought that I could never love him more. That my love was so strong, so powerful and so very present that I couldn't imagine it growing, that I couldn't possibly love him more than I already did, than I already do. But I do. I inevitably will. Because with each passing day, each passing hour and minute, beyond every argument, further than any disagreement, so much greater than any time he makes me angry enough that I could scream, I love him more.
It doesn't matter what he does, or doesn't, do. It doesn't matter if we're happily in bliss or arguing over misunderstood words. He cannot do anything to make me love him less. I will always continue to love him more.
It almost feels inadequate to tell him "I love you." Even though he makes sure he never hangs up the phone without saying it. Even though in the wee hours of the morning when he's showered, dressed and all ready for work and I'm still curled up under the covers sound asleep and he makes sure he whispers it into my ear before he leaves. It still feels wrong when I say it. It feels like it is too simple, too streamlined. I feel like I need to tell him more. Like loving him isn't quite the word. Like I need to put the sign for exponential at the end of it. Maybe I should just tell him "I love you exponentially." I could even try explaining it every time; "There is no way I could possibly love you more, but I will and I'm pretty sure I already do even more so then when I started this sentence." 'I love you'? Does that really seem right? I feel like "I need you" may be even more precise, but that seems so selfish and my love is anything but. I couldn't help but love him. If I wanted to stop, I'm not so sure I could. It is woven into the fiber of my being.
Don't get me wrong; I love loving the man. He makes it easy. It is just that my love for him is such a part of who I am, of what makes me, me, that the choice is hardly mine. I chose how to show that love to him, but I am not so sure I could simply 'chose' to stop loving him. Not that I want to. Not that I would ever want to.
I am a grudge holder. I hold grudges like there are a billion tomorrows and I'll be just as upset on every single one of those as I am today. And I hold back. When I am mad, I am MAD and you will know about it; no questions asked. This is something I am working on with God and I realize it is not the way to live. I slip up with Rob, though. I accidentally tell him. It falls out of my mouth without my knowing. It slips through my teeth and before I realize what I'm doing he's telling me he loves me too. My love or whatever better word there is for it for that man pours through my pores. It seeps out of my skin. Words that aren't quite powerful enough fall from my mouth at the sound of his voice or the sight of his face. I love that man. Words cannot describe or define. I just, well, I just love him.
This first year has been exciting. I think that would be the best way to describe it. So many people told us the first year is tough- you are thrown into life together. No longer is it just the dating, the courting, the dinners out, the walking through parks, holding hands, the late night movies. It is bills. And things breaking. And family dramas. And decisions. And growing up. But do you know what is exciting about it? The bills. The things breaking. And the family dramas and the decisions and the growing up.
Standing in the midst of these, things can look bleak. But when you stand back from them and look, OH MY GOODNESS! I am paying bills with the man I love. Things break and we, together, get to figure out how to fix them. I am not alone on my side of the family drama. I have a built in, permanent teammate on my side. And the decisions? Exciting! We are planning our lives! Growing up? It is scary. But it is so, so very fun and new and exhilarating. And I get to do it all with this amazing man who I think is just outstanding, and from what I hear he kinda likes me too.
And pay bills we have. Fix things? Check, check. Family drama? You better believe it. Decisions? We moved, didn't we? Growing up? Well, we'll just say baby planning is in the works.
The Internet let us get to know each other. We fell in love across the state, college let us be together. Dates let our love develop. Challenges let us get to know each other better. The engagement made us busier. The wedding made us permanent. The honeymoon made us deeper in love. The moving to the middle of nowhere three days later made us closer. The coming home to each other made us happier. Calling each other husband and wife made us giddier. The bills made us stingier. The rough job hours made (and make) our time together sweeter. The sweet surprises made us kinder. Reading the bible together at night made us hit our knees harder. The constant travelling made us crazier. The birthdays made us older. Holidays made us feel like our own family. The new, big purchases made us feel more grown up. Our disagreements made us stronger. Mean words made us nicer. And every single day in between for this first whole year, has made us more and more in love.