Tuesday, June 29, 2010

...And Babies Don't Keep

"Quiet down cobwebs, dust go to sleep. I'm rocking my baby and babies don't keep."
-Author Unknown

My baby is growing up. And it absolutely terrifies/devastates/breaks my heart that I don't have every single second documented. That the picture with her sitting next to the stuffed owl that I was going to take daily turned into weekly turned into monthly turned into "woops I forgot the first month so five weeks old will have to do." The 'Line a Day' journal is missing 40 days worth of lines. This blog I planned to update at least once a week? Yeah, you can tell how that panned out.

I haven't failed. I just didn't know.

I didn't know how entirely consumed I'd be with her. That each time she smiles and coos at me that I can't take my eyes off of her long enough to grab the camera or video camera. (Thank goodness for cell phone cameras!) That if setting her down and propping her up next to a stuffed owl makes her cry that I would rather just hold her and snuggle her to my chest instead. That writing anything is nearly impossible with the maybe one free hand I have at any given moment. Even now, I type this one-handed while my other holds the weight of my sleeping babe sprawled across my chest.

Our swing sits, empty and neglected, against the far wall. Her crib is filled with clean laundry I have yet to fold and put away. We have all these gadgets and gizmos to set her in and on, and yet I would so much rather just hold her. I have a hard time convincing myself to put her down when being in my arms is what she wants most, too. And please don't bother telling me I'm spoiling her; she gets plenty of back and belly time. And besides- it isn't much longer that she'll fit this perfectly in my arms. Or be this content to be there.

So our house is pretty messy. I tend to be able to get the dishes done daily and thats about it. Rob, the amazing man/dad/husband he is, has voluntarily taken over laundry. (Out of fear of not having clean clothes? Perhaps...) I can barely count the number of dust balls I can see from my current position on one hand, and I can't tell you the last time I mopped the bathroom floors. The dining room table is random stuff central, and the fish can hardly be seen in his tank.I have not even made a home cooked meal since Reagan came home. We're going on seven weeks here, folks. We had a lot of freezer meals from friends and family, invitations to dinner at friends' houses, and we've, ahem, eaten out a bit. Okay, a lot. Fine; probably a few times a week. But look at it on the bright side; at least Reagan's getting a head start on restaurant manners! :) My best piece of advice to new parents? Get a comfortable couch. You're going to be sitting and doing a whole lot of the best kind of nothing. :)

So while I hate the fact that I'm not going to have every second of her life pictured and recorded for years to come, I find comfort in the fact that I'm experiencing it. That I'm living in the moment and that each smile isn't rushed with having to find the camera. That I'm not missing a conversation between Reagan and a hanging, striped elephant while I fiddle around with the video camera. It's taken me awhile to get to this point, but it is so much nicer not worrying about recording every moment in time. I figure I'll just pray for a good memory and continue to enjoy this amazing little miracle in the here and now.

**This isn't to say I'm not going to take pictures and videos. I'm just trying to not make it my main focus.

**Pictures don't do her justice, anyways.

**Note- I have postponed posting this post (holy batman that's a lot of 'posts') until I uploaded pictures off of our camera and cell phones from the last FIVE WEEKS so I could decorate it with pictures of our sweet baby's face, so you can sit and stare at her for hours too. :)**